Honesty, you snake
Honesty, you snake, I see
you sidle into bed with me
pinned by your riveting gaze I hear
your passionate whispering in my ear
you make me write the things I do
with centered certainty shot through
as sure and shaped as if each tempered lie were true
Click on the photo for a larger version.
posted by MB at 12:33 PM
20 Comments:
the snake, when proffering the apple, was indeed being honest (in his way).
great rhythm, mb. one of your very best, i think. honestly!
Oh, yeah, sure, blame the snake, everybody does. Just glad my name ain't "snake". This is a WOW poem!!
that's the beauty of being a writer; we get away with making lies the truth, or the other way around, if you please.
loved this...well done!
WHOA!!! This is so, so powerful! And all the more intense for its brevity. I LOVE IT! I'm reading it over and over. thank you!
Wow, what a blast back from illness - this is fabulous!
Oh, this one is alive and real. But, I have one question. Who is whispering in your other ear?
This is very good, mb. A lot of passion.
couldn't post a comment last night as word verification wouldn't show... i don't remember the exact words but powerful and rhythm were definitely there...
well done, mb!
...are you sure you weren't feeling well last week? There seems to be steam and heat boiling from under the covers!
I'm with Michelle, amazing cloud photo!
love the structure
and
share the thought
I'd have never thought the muse responsible for such beauty a snake!
alan
great! the tummultuous (spelling) clouds increase the power of the words
Hi mb--
I like the sound of this and the clever idea of honesty as tempter but have a thought or so about it. Here are my two cents; I hope you will forgive the impertinence!
I'd take out "as sure and shaped."
Reason:
1. You already have the sureness idea in line 6, and the shape is embodied in the form.
2. The iambic hexameter line is too long and weighs down the closure. I think it's very, very difficult to get away with an extra-long line in the close of a poem.
3. Gotta kill them darlins'. (Was it Faulkner who told us that, or is that just a myth?)
4. The snake sets up all the "s" sounds, but I think there's overkill--not so much in an "on the page" read, but in a reading out loud. My ear likes it better with that slight reduction; there's still plenty of slithering sound without it.
You probably didn't want that, so feel free to kick one of my poems in the pants!
We can only hide behind so much fluff before the light devours our darkness.
Dont be tempted! :o)
This is wonderful..the structure as well as thoughts.
Yes, I like the passion and feistiness in this one, too. And playfullness.
A fascinating take on a fascinating subject.
Wonderful, MB!
Michelle, it's all in the light. Those were high drama clouds!
Charlie, it's an old story, an old debate, nonetheless relevant and constantly being reinterpreted. Thanks!
Pat, thank you very much.
Sage, maybe it's both at the same time, I'm not sure. For me, the heart of it is always truthful even if the details are not.
Snowsparkle, your enthusiasm is infectious!
Jean, health is a precious commodity and one I'm not taking for granted. Thanks much.
Fred, you ask a very good question and one for which I haven't a ready answer! Perhaps the answer will come one day in another poem.
Robin Andrea, thanks. I had fun with it.
Polona, I'm very appreciative that you persisted. The commenting system has been a little odd in recent days.
Corey, I most definitely was not well — sickest I've been in decades. But I'm happy to be well now!
Floots, thanks so much.
Alan, snakes are beautiful, too! ;-)
Pod, I'm glad you saw the connection.
Marly, comments like yours — constructive, thoughtful, perceptive — are always welcome! You keyed in on the weak point of the poem, and propose an elegant solution. I agree with most of your points. I rather liked the added weight of the longer last line, but didn't like the repetitive content. I think it was Faulkner, and I'm quite ready to kill all little darlings during the revision phase!
Mermaid, I like your image of light devouring darkness. I think it works both ways, perhaps, depending on what we focus on.
Trinitystar, but temptation is rampant! ;-)
Gautami, thank you very much.
Leslee, I'm glad you saw the playfulness. I amused myself immensely while writing this. I'm easily amused. ;-)
Patry, it is a fascinating subject, isn't it? I can go round and round with it.
Bitterroot, thanks!
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